and so it goes

So here’s the deal: I have major depression, paranoia and anxiety issues.

For years and years, I thought it was normal to be this way. I thought everybody dealt with stress by internalizing and putting on a happy face. I thought it was normal to carry so much anxiety that it felt like I was suffocating and constantly gasping for air. I thought it was normal to not know how to deal with so much sadness.

I thought it was normal to want to die.

There are so many people in my support team that want me to get “better”. I don’t even know what that means. That I don’t want to die anymore? That I no longer get depressed?

What if…

What if I don’t want to get better?