what am i
Unlike most of the Madosphere, I don’t have an actual diagnosis. Well, that’s not true. I know one exists, but I haven’t been told what it is. My psychologist doesn’t feel it’s important that I know, because his focus is on making me “better”. When I was hospitalized, the psychiatrist told me that he feels I have a moderate case of OCD, which doesn’t surprise me at all.
But aside from that… I don’t know what it is that I’m fighting. And I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t like being labelled in general, because then I feel like I have to live up to some sort of expectation. Not just in terms of mental health, but anything. I have a lot of hobbies, but I cringe when people refer to me as a knitter or a photographer or a writer.
I’m afraid of knowing what my diagnosis is because I don’t want to end up hiding behind whatever disorder it is that I have.
I’m afraid of the stigma that comes with having a mental health disorder.
I’m afraid of being being diagnosed with something “scary”.
I’m afraid of finding out that I don’t have any disorders and I’m just this messed up for no good reason.
But most of all…
I’m afraid of knowing and not knowing.